I think everyone should be married before their wedding day.
Weird thing to say? Probably. Still, there’s something incredibly freeing about knowing that everything doesn’t hinge on stuff going well on a wedding day.
How do I know?
I got married on November 25, 1988. Our wedding wasn’t until almost three months (and a broken jaw) later. So, when everything imploded the night before the wedding, I realized… wait. This isn’t going to make sense without backstory.
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My Crazy Wedding Day Idea… and How It Worked for Me
Okay… here’s the deal. I was eighteen when I got married. Young, stupid, and I’d been to exactly two weddings in my whole life. Two.
One was my brother’s very informal wedding at a hotel with about fifty people there. I stood up by his bride with the other two bridesmaids and just smiled. What else does a token bridesmaid do? I danced afterward. Done. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
The other came a year later. I don’t remember anything but the bride’s super-cool 1920’s inspired dress. That’s it. While I’m pretty sure I went to a reception, I only remember the bit where we sneaked away to go play pranks on their townhome. We short-sheeted the bed, Saran-wrapped the toilet bowl, peeled all the labels off the cans in the pantry.
So, when it came time for my wedding, I knew nothing about how that worked. I bought a dress, ordered invitations and flowers, bought food, and ordered a cake. Done. Right?
Apparently, not.
Some in the wedding party—okay, really it was just one gal—weren’t impressed with my plans. When the constant nagging for more decisions on things that I really didn’t care about (so what if the tables don’t have centerpieces! They just block your view of the person you’re trying to talk to!), I suggested she take her misbehaving and over-tired children back to the house we were staying at. We’d handle the rest.
Things got… ugly. I don’t remember what she said, but I distinctly remember thinking, “Walk away. Don’t engage. Don’t respond. This isn’t worth it.”
So, I told everyone that I was walking to where my husband (not fiancé, husband) was and took off down the road. It was about a mile walk.
Kevin passed me about halfway, but he didn’t see me, and the story he received when he got to the church freaked him out. Apparently, I’d “stormed off into the desert” and they had “no idea where” I could possibly be.
Ahem.
I got to the house where he’d taken the groomsmen to stay and talked with their hostess. She’d been a bit of a mentor during my high school years, and I knew she’d straighten me out if I was out of line for being frustrated by the nonsense. Assured that I wasn’t nuts, she drove me back and prayed for me all the way there.
Seriously, I’ve got good people in my life. Always have. God is so good to me.
The moment I stepped out of the car, this gal started in on me. I was ready to walk again, but Mrs. H. took care of it. Gotta love that woman. I remember saying to Kevin, “If your parents, brother, and the Cochrans hadn’t driven all the way from Iowa, I’d say let’s leave now and forget the whole thing.”
See… we could have done that. Because we were already married.
You know, even after Mrs. H. went to deal with the stressed-out woman, it all started up again later. And once again, all I could think of was, “I just want this over. I want out of here.”
Is it just me, or should weddings not be that stress-filled and frustrating?
Don’t get me wrong. I have zero doubt that my inexperience with weddings and total cluelessness as to what “needed” to be done stressed out my “friend.”
But seriously… “all the things” had become more important to her than the people those “things” were supposed to bless. By the time that wedding was over and we were back from our honeymoon, there was nothing left of that “friendship.” I loved and cared about a sister in Christ, of course. And I didn’t care to spend time with her again.
Weddings shouldn’t divide people. I mean, isn’t the whole point of a wedding to unite?
A few years later, a friend of mine met the love of her life.
Taking a page from our story, she and her feller went off to Las Vegas and got married months (and possibly over a year) before setting an actual wedding date. Almost no one knew. Certainly not her parents. They weren’t exactly thrilled with the man she chose.
Funny story… sort of. Her father wept the night before her wedding, begging her not to marry him. She couldn’t exactly say, “Well… you see…” And considering they all lived together for a while, I kind of think her father came around to the idea, no?”
They’ve been married for almost thirty years now.
So yeah… there are some serious advantages to getting married before your wedding.
Sunday is another milestone in our family.
#3daughter’s reception in Corona del Mar. So far, my kids have gotten married in order of birth. We’ll see how long that lasts, but I find it interesting, anyway. Another marriage. Another reception. I don’t even think they’re doing an actual “wedding” in the traditional sense, although I’ve heard conflicting stories on that.
What I do know is that she had the same idea that I’ve come to respect over the years. She’s investing her time and money in a celebration rather than a show.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with having a traditional, lavish wedding. I don’t want to pretend there is. Weddings are often full of beautiful imagery and meaningful traditions. And, sometimes they’re just things people do because it’s what everyone expects.
That is what I object to. And #3daughter seems to, too.
What matters is the commitment. The oneness. I couldn’t care less if a bride has a fabulous gown, ten bridesmaids or flower girls… or none! Is she marrying the man the Lord wants for her? Is the groom committing to her for life? As long as those answers are yes… “decorating the doorway,” as Douglas Wilson puts it, is just a lovely thing to do if it means something to you. Otherwise… who cares?
Meanwhile, I pray that the Lord will guide my daughter and her new husband wherever He wants them to go. I pray that they live a life of service to Him. Furthermore, I pray that they know we’re always here for them—to love and support them wherever we can.
Of course, I pray that for all of my children.
Fun aside.
My second daughter got married on our “marriage” anniversary. #3daughter is celebrating her marriage two days before our “wedding” anniversary. And… it’s right close to Valentine’s Day, too.
For thirty years or so, we couldn’t remember our anniversaries if we tried. We kind of have no excuse anymore.
My guess is Tarnished Silver, but I can’t remember if she’s in there or not! I do remember enjoying reading Speak Now! And I’ve always thought that I would enjoy a simple wedding. A few decorations, perhaps, but the less you do the less there is to clean up afterward. 🙂 We’ll see! Thanks for sharing your story, though–that was really interesting!
Manuscript for Murder. I don’t think that’s it but I’m pretty sure it’s an Alexa Hartfield book.
My wedding was a small affair. I made my dress and veil and my only attendant’s dress. The groom and his best man wore baby blue tux. Their shirts had lots of ruffles. The preacher that performed the ceremony was my husband’s great uncle. In really bad health. He couldn’t make it to the rehearsal. He had only met me one time. So…when my attendant walked down the aisle, he loudly proclaimed “who gives this woman away”?. My husband to be, was torn up, loudly whispering “she’s not the one, she’s not the one”. At the end he had forgotten to say you may now kiss the bride. My pianist told me she was going to refuse to play until he said those words. After a very long pause, he finally remembered. That’s what memories are made of. Not when all things go right. In two weeks we will have been married 43 years. Love this man. I don’t know which book. You are my favorite author. I love to read your blog. Hearthland is my favorite, so I will say that. Thanks for the chance to win.
aw… what a lovely story!
Advent. But that’s too short a comment I’m told. Maybe this will do.
MMMMMWWWWAAAHAHAH
ohhh….forgot…. the contest…..another book was ADVENT.
Loved reading about your wedding story. Reminded me a bit of mine. I remember getting a bit perturbed at my sister and felt she was trying to “run” my show. Turned out ok—I didn’t see her for a week! (Going for the laugh here— lol I mean because I was on my honeymoon). Anyway.. . what did we know of planning a wedding.? My hubby is an only child, and I guess I made assumptions that parents would know that the groom’s parents hosted a dinner. Don’t think they knew that, so after the rehearsal, the wedding party went to—-Burger King!
I wore the dress my mother wore when she got married. That dress is 79 years old this year. And guess what! I can wear it again! I gained weight in the last 44.5 years, but hav lost 90# so far in the last 9 months and I can get in the dress again!
oh… a P.S. My father in law was not my husband’s biological father. Hubby was told he had died LONG time ago. Thru doing DNA testing, turns out that wasn’t true, but his family lives in Johannesburg. He died 8 years before we ever did the DNA test. =( But, my husband now has step brothers and step sisters!
We did Foster’s Freeze! My in-laws didn’t know, either!!!
Noble Pursuits, This guessing game reminds me I have so many of your books left to read!
Noble Pursuits, This guessing game reminds me I have so many of your books left to read!
Hehehe Chautona. Sounds about right. Weddings are too much trouble in my book. And don’t start on the cost. The money they spend on their weddings would almost buy a house!!!
I wanted a Vegas wedding. No fuss, no muss, no frills. We had 17 people there, I found my beautiful silver dress on the clearance rack for $5.00 (broken zipper, nothing for a seamstress like me) The best part of the 4 day event? Seeing my grandma with a huge smile, along everyone else. No stress, no big waste of money (grandma insisted I needed a bouquet) and a lifetime of giggles looking at pictures of the guys in our ‘tub for 2’, it was a huge oval, over 6 ft long, 4 foot wide and 3 ft deep! We have pics of 4 of us in there, with room for 4 more. LOL.
CARA, if my swiss cheese brain remembers correctly I want to say she was in Past Forward? (That doesn’t sound right though). I’m leaving it at
Past Forward until my brain comes up with another idea.
Enjoyed your wedding stories. I have never been one to care for fancy events and I didn’t start day-dreaming my wedding as a young girl like many do. My husband and I had planned to just stay after church one Sunday to say our vows. We were going to have our families there, of course, and invite the special friends and tell whoever showed up that day that they were welcome to stay. Three and a half weeks weeks before that scheduled date, 2 days after we had actually scheduled that date, my husband was seriously injured at work and spent 7 days in ICU before coming home. He recovered just fine but through that whole ordeal there was such a show of support and love that when my mother-in-law suggested we have an actual wedding and reception I didn’t have the heart to tell her no. She pretty much planned and organized the whole thing. I found a last minute dress for $150. The church and some family members hosted our reception. A friend took pictures. We had a best man and zero bridesmaids. It was simple and perfect for us. It was the wedding I didn’t know I wanted and the church was packed wall to wall with people who loved us. I’ve always been grateful she did that for us. Thanks for prompting me to remember. ?
What a beautiful story!
To enter to win the paperback book, I think the character Cara is also in the book New Year’s REVOLUTIONS.
I hope I win. Please enter me to win.
Crystal
I do not know which book it is, but most comments seem to say Discovering Hope, so I will say Discovering Hope also. My favorite book is Corner Booth!
Guess what? They’re wrong. 😉
Our wedding was rather disorganized. I had been to a few more than two weddings, but not many. I tried to organize everything…and then the people who were supposed to coordinate the reception didn’t show up until just in time for the ceremony (they didn’t get my letter asking for their help), and an usher didn’t show up. And then, instead of saying “I do” my husband said “yes” in response to the minister asking us to confirm our vows, so I followed suit. We’ve always joked that we’re not sure if we’re properly married! I can’t remember what book Cara shows up in–maybe Advent?
That’s one of them!
That was a wild guess!
Advent I read the email after my first comment. But better late than never.
I had a very simple wedding. We had ham sandwiches and potato salad for our reception. I gave a guy who’d just graduated from the school I taught at $40, my camera and a bunch of rolls of film for him to take pictures (funny story, he’s now the youth pastor at our church). My parents didn’t have a wedding, they went to the Justice of the Peace and got married. When they got their wedding picture taken, she was already pregnant and got some funny looks (My sister was born a week after their first anniversary). Oh, my parents had known each other for 3 months before getting married and have been married 51 years. I’m not sure, but I’m going to say “Discovering Hope”.
I’m with you. I wouldn’t want to spend so much money on a big wedding. (I don’t care if someone else wants to though.) Only my mother and father-in-law were at our marriage. They were the only two available on the day we got married. And they were the only two in attendance. We had planned to elope but found out since I was only 17 we had to have my parents’ permission. So our “surprise” was foiled. Later our pastor and my mother insisted we have a church reception. Therefore we shared our celebration with family and friends without the all the stress and expense. And you know what? We are no less (and no more) married than the people who have the big weddings. We are coming up on the 56th anniversary of our marriage!. We can easily remember our reception date–our third child was born on that date 7 years later. 🙂 Our children–all 3–had very modest weddings, mostly for financial reasons, but they’ve all been happily married for more than 25 years. Like I said, I don’t care if others have big weddings. They are beautiful to see; nothing wrong with doing it that way if that is what a couple want.
I’ve yet to read Speak Now … I’ll have to read it now, right? I’m thinking Discovering Hope or maybe Noble Pursuits … Eh, is it Oh Gracious, now?
Is Cara also in Advent?
YES!!!
Discovering Hope! I’ve of my favorites.
Two O’Clock Slump
YEP!
Discovering Hope
Discovering Hope
I think Cara from Speak Now is in HearthLand Vol. 5. I don’t know… could be! ??
At least I’m entered into the drawing for the paperback copy of Speak Now. ?
Tarnished Silver. (Love all your books!)