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Chautona Havig

Chautona Havig

Using story to connect YOU to the Master Storyteller

The Unexpected Blessing of Unlikely Mentors

by Chautona Havig · 17 Comments

She wore white—a cotton t-shirt and jeans cut off at the knees. I’d been told not to wash my hair with shampoo, not to use hairspray or cosmetics, not to wear perfume—nothing with a scent.

I felt ugly sitting there in the sweats and a t-shirt she’d left waiting for me in her garage—with my hair washed and hanging in my face. No makeup. Just the plain, normal me.

The Unexpected Blessing Of Unlikely Mentors

 

She asked me a lot of questions that day—encouraged me in many ways. I’d picked up the deplorable habit of saying “god” in a rather irreverent and dishonoring way. She didn’t admonish me with Scripture. I think she knew that I needed anything but to be whipped with the Word right then.

It was a rough time in my life. I don’t want to get into why, but I arrived lost and floundering. And when I threw out yet another irreverent reference to the Lord I loved so much, she offered gentle admonition. She looked up at me with grief filling her features and said,

“You’re too lovely to talk like that.”

I wonder if she ever knew how it affected me.

I’d been reproved about various things in my life—often. By friends, family, those in the church.It’s part of a young person’s growth, I suppose. And though, like anyone, I never liked it, I didn’t object to it in principle.

On the other hand, I remember being at another woman’s house a few years before that. They did things differently than my family did. Sometimes when I was there, I talked about it with her—compared the differences.

Look, I don’t want to pretend I that I couldn’t have sounded like an insufferable know-it-all. No, I’ve no doubt that I did. At twelve, you are still learning how to be tactful.

However, I’ll never forget her lost opportunity—the words:

“I can’t wait for you to grow up and have a house of your own so I can come over and criticize everything you do,”

They crushed me. No adult had ever deliberately spoken unkind words to me—words intended to wound.

Yep. She lost the chance to teach a girl hungry to learn.

If she’d just said, “Do you realize you sound critical?” If she’d just said that, I would have been mortified—but in a good way. I would have apologized. I would have asked how I could learn without being offensive.

But she didn’t do it. She only ensured that, no matter how much I wanted and needed to learn, I’d never ask her. And you know, not because my pride was hurt, although I would have assumed that as a girl. No, it would have been because you can’t trust someone who will lash out at you like that.

Mentor

She had much to teach me, but not the lessons I think she would have preferred to teach.

You see, from her, I learned why it’s important to be patient with youth. And, in a twist of irony, I’m fairly certain that without her, I would have been even more naturally impatient than I am today.

From her, I learned forbearance with those who are unkind. From her I learned what kind of person I didn’t want to be, how I didn’t want to respond to annoying people, how inquisitive chatterboxes can annoy people—so when I had half a dozen of my own, I’d be a little more understanding.

Instead, a woman housebound in a scent-free bubble showed graciousness and that made me want to learn them—to emulate her in that way.

One single day with a woman I never saw before or again—it changed my life. Just a piece of it, sure. But it definitely changed it.

When I deserved a scolding, she gave me that “soft answer” and it definitely turned away the temptation to anger. (Proverbs 15:1)

She didn’t set out to be a mentor, I’m sure. She just wanted to encourage a young girl who was lost and alone, trying to understand what the Lord was doing in her life. But one day, with one kind sentence—she became a mentor whose only “session” with me never left my mind or heart.

They both taught me from Ephesians 4;32, to be precise.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Unlikely mentors… both of them godly, beautiful women.

No, really they were. One couldn’t handle the harsh, artificial scents of the modern world–they’d kill her. But her gentle spirit, her loving acceptance, her kind and gracious reproof–no lovelier perfume has ever sent its way heavenward.

As for the other woman, well, her lessons never left me, either. I’m sure I sound unforgiving, but I’m not. I promise. But I’ve kept the day—and several similar instances with that woman—in my mind over the years because I knew how easy it would be to become just like her in situations like those.

And maybe some future girl who received my impatient, snappish, ugly retort would get it on the one day she couldn’t see past it. Maybe it would be that one last thing that sent her running far enough away from Jesus that she couldn’t hear that soft, tender call for my harsh, strident tones echoing in her mind and heart.

I don’t want to be that person. I just don’t.

They say a mentor is someone who “disciples” you over a long expanse of time.  Both of these women did, although I haven’t seen either of them in thirty years.

How did some unlikely “mentor” make a difference in your life?

I decided that I needed an infusion of Ephesians 4:32 in my life, so I’ve created a coloring page in both NAS and KJV.

To get your free coloring page, just leave a comment (about unlikely mentors and your version preference), and I’ll email it!

Ephesians Coloring PAge

To get my other coloring pages, click the image above or go HERE.

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Comments

  1. Dawn says

    January 7, 2022 at 5:59 pm

    Thank you! I am planning to memorize the book of Ephesians this year in the NASB version.

    Reply
  2. Jody says

    January 29, 2018 at 11:39 pm

    One of my mentors was a Sunday School teacher. Not that I recall any specific words he said, but how he always seemed to take his time to find the right words to say, no matter how chaotic things were around him. He would take the time to listen without judging, even with all of the know-it-all teenagers in his class. Now I say, why can’t I be more like that – yet life always seems to be too hurried to stop and listen. Thank you for the reminder! (KJV please)

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      January 30, 2018 at 12:34 am

      YES! I learned so much from people who just LISTENED. It taught me to listen, HOW to listen, and how valued people feel when someone LISTENS. Great reminder!

      Reply
  3. Denise says

    July 13, 2017 at 10:54 am

    My whole life I’ve viewed this verse from the side of the one needing to forgive. Today reading this I read the scripture from the eyes of one needing forgiveness. Ironically I never much liked it when I read it as one who had to give the forgiveness…but to see it from a person who should be trying not to be “snarky” because then you’d need forgiveness – it feels much like the easier yoke. Many a “church lady” has broken the spirit of a young child (or mom trying her best) but like you said – I don’t ever want to be the one who says the harsh word.

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      January 21, 2018 at 6:31 pm

      It’s hard… it is. But it’s so worth it. We mean well, and we crush one another. And it’s hard. It’s so hard.

      Reply
  4. Elisabeth says

    June 23, 2017 at 3:39 pm

    My younger siblings have been excellent mentors in the art of *listening* rather than slapping on my “Mr. Fix-it” hat at the beginning of the conversation. Well, they’ve been excellent mentors in a lot of things. (NAS, pretty please!)

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      June 23, 2017 at 4:11 pm

      That is just beautiful! Love it.

      Reply
  5. R Jones says

    June 23, 2017 at 12:31 pm

    Wow! How I want to always provide a soft answer but, too often lately, seem too quick to judge. You have given me some things to think about, pray about, examine. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      June 23, 2017 at 1:05 pm

      I really learned a lot from both women. And the “harsh” one is a beautiful, godly woman. I doubt she ever knew that she managed to penetrate my rather tough skin. At 12, there are spots that are a bit thin still. Hee hee. And, frankly, I’m glad I was where I was in my life then because I learned from it rather than became bitter or learned the WRONG lesson in how to handle pesky kids who are figuring out this thing called life.

      Reply
  6. Susan says

    June 23, 2017 at 8:10 am

    Ephesians 4:32The Message (MSG)

    31-32 Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.

    When I was a young Christian (early 30s) I had two friends who taught me much. One was my age and impressed me by her gentle corrections with her young daughters. She never lectured or yelled and usually only answered them with a question like “what do you think their response will be to that?”. Since I had(ve) a propensity to give people my answer to the question and not inspire them to look for their own, this has often come back to me again and again.

    The other was an older woman, then in her 60s (as I am now) and she was to me the embodiment of the “older women teach the younger how to love their husbands). She was married to a somewhat difficult man but I never heard her complain or criticize him.

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      June 23, 2017 at 1:07 pm

      I’ll never forget a friend–my age and a relatively new Christian tell me when I wailed, “These kids will be the death of me…”

      “GOOD! We’re supposed to die to self. The Lord is using them for your sanctification. Praise Him!” I never forgot it. And I quit wishing I could slap her with a 3-day-old fish rather quickly if I do say so myself. 😉

      Reply
  7. Emily H says

    June 23, 2017 at 7:03 am

    What a wonderful illustration of how words can tear down or build up. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      June 23, 2017 at 1:08 pm

      I’ve been thinking of it for months. Decided it was time to share.

      Reply
  8. Rebecca says

    June 22, 2017 at 6:58 am

    Sometimes it takes so little to leave a lasting impression!! When I was probably only 8 years old there was a teenage girl who would come to church with her boyfriend. They were among many young couples at church but what always stood out to me is that she always looked me in the eye and smiled. None of the rest ever paid any attention. She was shy and quiet and never talked to me. But her smile left a lasting affect on me and really even on my 4 daughters. Because it has been very important to me to teach my daughters to reach out to younger girls too.

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      June 22, 2017 at 7:29 pm

      YES! One small little thing can be a big thing to someone else. I’ll never forget learning just how horribly servers are treated when a young server nearly cried that we weren’t going to yell at her for not bringing out the corn with the meal (it wasn’t done and she wanted us to have hot food. SILLY HER!) I was blown away that she was even nervous!

      Reply
  9. Lucinda Culp says

    June 21, 2017 at 10:35 am

    Can’t for the life of me think of a mentor, unlikely or not, because your words struck a nerve.
    I am left wondering if I’m guilty of reacting like the second one, and praying NOT. Wow…convicting….

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      June 21, 2017 at 4:07 pm

      We all do at times, I suppose. Sigh

      Reply

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The Because Fiction Podcast

The Because Fiction Podcast
The Because Fiction Podcast

Taking the pulse of Christian fiction

Episode 283: A Chat with Debut Author Denise L. Barela
byChautona Havig

Having the chance to chat with a dear friend about her book is always a treat.  So when Denise L. Barela chatted to me about her mystery, Silencing the Siren, I knew we’d have a lot of fun. Boy, did we. From the first ideas on this mystery through the new series she’s considering, and where she wants to take her writing in the future, Denise has a lot to share.  Listen in to learn about her writing and how you can listen to her book free!

note: links may be affiliate links that provide me with a small commission at no extra expense to you.

Why an Almost Love At First Sight Mystery Actually Works!

Denise L. Barela’s debut novel is the seventh in the Ever After Mysteries. These fairy-tale retellings set in the twenties (and now the forties!) feature fun mashups of those beloved tales with some kind of mystery. Denise chose “The Little Mermaid” and went to town combining 1920s New York City and Coney Island with that fairy tale and a freak show attraction that causes all kinds of trouble in various ways.

One thing I liked is how the “love at first sight” aspect of the original story played out in Denise’s. She focused on Annabel’s character and, being so different from the superficiality he lived with, it drew him in.  No, it’s not a romance, but this mystery does have romance in it, and Denise made that tough trope work.

The research Denise did involved widely differing topics–from novelty gifts (doorbells, folks!), to car technology advancements, to just how hard it was to find a map of New York City for the era!

Of course, that sparked a discussion on research for her other book and how she discovered rewritten history ruining her plans for it.  Enter rewrites. Sigh.

Finally, we discussed the sorts of books she wants to write, her conversation with Jaime Jo Wright, and where she plans to take things after she does one more mystery-themed series.  Clue is coming like you’ve never seen it.

Silencing the Siren by Denise L. Barela

Andrew Grayson thought he had everything… until he met her.

The indulged son of wealthy parents, Andrew has always gotten whatever he wanted almost before he knew he wanted it—clothes, gadgets… even a car! What more could a young man desire?

Enter Annabel Thompson. Freakshow mermaid extraordinaire… in a wheelchair!

Of course, her beauty attracts him. How could it not? Add to that a kind heart, and Andrew can’t help but fall for her.

Annabel’s connection with the freakshow repels his parents and their society friends. They want him to sever all ties with her and his new friends. Oh, and marry the “right” girl with the “right connections.” But he won’t do it. He’ll defy them and marry his little mermaid.

When Annabel turns up missing, declared dead, things don’t add up, Andrew begins asking some difficult questions, the most important being, “What happened to the little mermaid of the Coney Island freak show?”

Find out in this next book in the Ever After Mysteries, combining beloved fairy tales and mysteries. Silencing the Siren offers a retelling of “The Little Mermaid” that will keep you gripped to the edge of your seat as you watch the story unfold.

Learn more about Denise L. Barela on her WEBSITE and follow her on GoodReads and BookBub.  You can listen to Silencing the Siren free on her YouTube Channel.

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Episode 283: A Chat with Debut Author Denise L. Barela
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