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Chautona Havig

Chautona Havig

Using story to connect YOU to the Master Storyteller

The Hidden Blessings in Losing Your Memory

by Chautona Havig · 2 Comments

“Who are you, again?”

“I’m Joe’s, daughter. Vyonie.” My sister pointed to me. “This is Chautona.”

For some odd reason, the niece she spent the least amount of time with, Aunt Doris remembered—somewhat. But she didn’t remember Vyonie from what I could tell. She smiled at me, that amazing, sweet smile I’d never forget. She asked how I was. I always thought that Mrs. Sanderson—mother of John, Alicia, and Carl on the TV show, Little House on the Prairie—looked and sounded like Aunt Doris. Of course, that memory of me didn’t last.

A minute or two later, she gave me a big smile and asked if she knew me.

It gave me a picture of what it must have been like for my character, Ella Weeks—to wake up every day with these children there—children who knew her, but she didn’t remember. The hurt she caused every time she had to struggle to admit she didn’t know something she probably should—again. Losing your memory–could anything be worse?

The Hidden Blessings in Losing Your Memory

Links in this post may be affiliate links which provide me with a small commission at no extra expense to you.

So, I thought I’d ask her to tell us about it.

None So BlindElla:

People often assume that the worst part of losing your memory are the memories that disappeared, too. But it’s not. A much as I’d love to remember my wedding day, my daughter’s first steps, my son’s first words, or that moment I realized I was pregnant with my third, those are blessings that I don’t think about often.

No, what hurts most is seeing the pain in my children’s eyes when they need me to remember something and I can’t. For me, not remembering their first day of kindergarten is an inconvenience. For them, it’s a further reminder that if they didn’t tell me, I wouldn’t know them. That without them pushing themselves into my life, I wouldn’t care about them any more than any other human in my path.

I do now, of course, but not at first. I hate that they heard David say once,

…she doesn’t know me. She doesn’t trust me. She doesn’t know our children. She tries, but she could walk out of our lives tomorrow and never miss us.”

Living so close to it every day, I missed those little bits of pain that I inflicted without meaning to, but when I went with our Bible study to a nursing home and visited with the residents, then I saw it. Women with tears running down their cheeks as loved ones patted their hands and tried to comfort. I heard one man offer to find a woman’s father. She squeezed him close and whispered, “It’s okay, Daddy. I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The man promised to try to find her father in the meantime.

Those people there—most of them didn’t realize they didn’t remember someone important. They didn’t struggle to remember this or that. Their dementia had gotten bad enough that their lives had gone from constant frustration to, by comparison, blissful oblivion.

And their families withered with each forgotten face, name, moment.

Will Not See quote

That’s what my “episode” did for my family. It caused them pain that just resurfaced every time something new happened. Pain that I didn’t know I inflicted. And since that visit, I have a greater compassion and awareness of just how amazing and powerful memories are.

I also have a greater appreciation for those beautiful words in Isaiah when the Lord promised…

I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, And I will not remember your sins.”

You see, there’s a lifetime of the sins that Jesus died for buried somewhere in my brain.

Will Not SeeOr, at least at one time there was. I know that those sins were in there, because the ones I committed yesterday are there today. The ones I’ve already confessed and been forgiven for—I beat myself up for the next morning.

A week later. A month. But the Lord has wiped them clean. I just keep smearing them back out there again as if to say, “But You don’t get how BAD I was.” Yeah. The arrogance, right? Because an almighty, holy God can’t possibly understand how sinful a sinner that He had to DIE to save from those sins… is. The arrogance? That’s an understatement.

But all those years before that horrible morning… gone. Maybe I stole something. I don’t know. It was forgiven, wiped clean, and then wiped from my memory. I can’t rehash it with the Lord over and over. I can’t drag it back up like a wife who won’t let her husband forget the one time he forgot her birthday. I can’t use it as a whip to beat myself up with. And I think there’s something beautiful in that.

Do I wish I could stop hurting my family with my blank past? Of course. But am I also grateful for a living picture of the fresh start the Lord gives His people at salvation? Definitely. I hope I never take it for granted again.

 

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Comments

  1. Andrea Stoeckel says

    June 20, 2017 at 5:54 am

    There was a back page article in the NYTIMES Magazine in 2001 about how much nicer the writer’s mother was as she slipped into ALZ. Went looking for the link but the article is over 15 years old now…if I find it, I will share

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      June 20, 2017 at 3:12 pm

      Thank you! 🙂

      Reply

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The Because Fiction Podcast

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Episode 448: A Chat with Nancy Naigle
byChautona Havig

 I fell in love with Nancy’s writing with The Shell Collector. Imagine my joy when I discovered she has a SEQUEL! Eeep! Listen in and discover which characters you’ll find in To Light the Way Forward and what’s coming next for one of America’s favorite authors!

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It’s been three years since Nancy and I had a chance to talk, and in that time, she’s been BUSY.  So in addition to falling in love with her character, Tug, and wanting to give him his own story, she’s written a small-town duet (and maybe we talked her into a third?) as well as a romcom duo!  Think we can talk her into a third of that series as well?  Because… SPOILER ALERT… we’re getting a third Shell Collector Series book, too! EEEP!

To Light the Way Forward by Nancy Naigle

A novel of overcoming deep loss, taking risks, and learning that life—and love—often surprises you when you least expect it, from the USA Today bestselling author of The Shell Collector. “Bringing to life characters you can’t help but fall in love with, Nancy Naigle goes straight to the heart with this story of tragedy turned to triumph. A poignant reminder to never give up hope.”—Sheila Roberts, author of The Best Life Book Club Feeling adrift after the loss of her husband, Rosemary sets out to visit an old friend on Whelk’s Island, undeterred by the threat of a hurricane. Before the storm hits, she finds herself at Tug’s Diner where she quickly connects with the owner, Tug. But the storm destroys the diner, compounding Tug’s grief from losing his love the previous year. The longer Rosemary stays, the more she sees Tug’s deep sadness and resolves to help him. Together with Tug and friends Amanda and Paul, they all pitch in to help the close-knit community recover and rebuild. As Amanda and Paul reconnect after losing touch during the storm, their plans to take things slow seem increasingly impractical. While Rosemary and Tug help the young couple navigate their relationship, they also find themselves building a friendship that begins to restore them both. But can that friendship convince them that love is possible for anyone who’s willing to take a risk—even those who never hoped they’d find it again?

Learn more about Nancy on her WEBSITEand follow her on GoodReads and BookBub.

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