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Chautona Havig

Chautona Havig

Using story to connect YOU to the Master Storyteller

The Unexpected Blessings of Being Fired by My Mentor

by Chautona Havig · 14 Comments

The spiral phone cord tangled together as I listened to her. “People just go out in public without any thought to what they’re wearing. This morning a girl had on a half top and shorty shorts. I muttered, ‘Someone forgot to finish getting dressed’ as I walked past.”

I snickered. Her tone of voice, the perfect sarcastic jab, even picturing how her eyes would bug out just a bit and the trademarked curl of her lip—it painted a picture I wish I’d seen.

Yeah, I’m not proud of that.

I need to say something before I go any further. This woman was like a second mother to me. She loved the Lord, shared that love with me, and encouraged me, often daily, to keep Him foremost in my mind.

I called her my Titus 2 mentor. And she was. She was also a dearly beloved friend. When we had the flu, she’d drop soup, soda, and Kleenex with lotion on the porch—drop and run. Once when my pregnancy gag reflex kept me from being able to clean up a child’s messy pants without vomiting, she drove over and not only cleaned up the boy, but she also took home his clothes and washed them for me.

He wasn’t even my child.

She taught me to love my husband, to love my children, to value and practice purity and sensibility—to keep my home. Did I say I loved her? Well, I did.

It’s one of the reasons I was tempted to ignore certain passages of Scripture when my husband and I studied a point of theology. Because one thing I knew for certain.

It would mean the end of our friendship.

I’d lose my mentor.

My children would lose the only local “grandmother” they had.

Call me overly dramatic, but I really felt like I knew what it must be like to be told to deny Christ or lose your family. Of course, I didn’t. But that’s how serious it was for me when I turned to my husband and said, “We have to do this, don’t we?”

And I was right. You’ve no idea just how much I hate to be right sometimes.

Everything I expected to happen did—and a few more I hadn’t. At the time, the rejection, the accusations, the utter abandonment by someone I loved and respected so much hurt more than I ever imagined possible.

It took years before seeing her in the grocery store and having her turn her back on my children (because of me) didn’t cut. Deep. It took even longer to stop reaching for the phone when I had a question about some point of Scripture or some parenting issue.

Birthdays, graduations, weddings—all those  things that I’d always expected her guidance and wisdom as I navigated those new waters… She wasn’t there.

I didn’t weep when my daughter got married. That’s not my style. But when I saw all the wedding photos and not one of them included the woman who had loved my kids so dearly… then I wept. Standing in the shower until the hot water ran cold, I sobbed.

From deep truths of Scripture to simple suggestions on nutrition, they vanished in the wake of an email explaining why we’d decided not to return to our little fellowship.

An email I had expected to end that way.

I just hadn’t expected it to be so ugly.

And it was.

But you know what? Today I’m thankful for that part of it. Today I realize that it needed to be as brutal as it felt. I told a friend once that it felt like my mentor had fired me. She had. And today, I’m grateful.

Because you see, kindness would have been a different kind of cruel. I might have been torn—wavering. Eager to please the woman who really had invested so much in me.

I might have chosen her mentorship and friendship over what I believe is truth.

That’s a tough one to admit. Just sayin’.

But like so many things, time has taught me much. Recently, I’ve been pondering the loss of that mentor—that friend. And I see things with fresh eyes—more mature ones. What I see is the hand of God, protecting me even in my pain.

The Unexpected Blessings of Being Fired by My Mentor

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The Unexpected Blessings of Being Fired by My Mentor

That story up there? It’s one of many I could tell—stories where my wise, wonderful, Titus 2 mentor also showed a very flawed, human, sinful side. Criticism, gossip, pride… oh, how she fed my pride. She fed it until it became obese—ravenous for the next “fix.”

We’d spend hours on the phone. Some of it was discussing how to solve some parenting problem. The tail end would likely be discussing the poor parenting practices of “Jane” at church. I’d hang up knowing that even with my faults, at least I was trying—at least I didn’t let my kids wear those clothes or talk that way to me.

I cannot tell you how painful it is to admit this stuff. In fact, I don’t even know how aware I was of it over the years. That over-stuffed pride numbed my conscience, I suppose. If I’d thought of it, if I hadn’t been so puffed up and arrogant, I might have seen just how ugly things were.

Today I can.

I can spot three clear blessings of being “fired” by her.

Gossip

Learning to hate gossip.

Until I’d been severed from her influence, I didn’t see gossip for what it was. I held the oft-spoken opinion that if what someone says is true, it is not wrong to speak it. Of course, that truth also included my opinion. Ahem.

But removed from my gossip partner, I found that I was less inclined to do it. Again, not because I was suddenly so great and godly but because when you’re removed from a tempting situation for a time, you can see the temptation when it returns. And what I saw, I didn’t like.

Have I managed to eradicate gossip from my life? No. I probably never will. But I feel the nudge of the Holy Spirit now in a way I never did back then. And you know, that makes it easier to resist the temptation.

Kindness… I learned it again.

Kindness

This is probably the hardest one to admit, but during those years, I forgot how to be kind. If a mom struggled with parenting a difficult child, it was because she didn’t do it right. She needed to be stricter, more consistent. When a teen girl showed up looking more like a red-light district advertisement than one of the King’s daughters, I didn’t need to utter a word. My scathing opinion radiated I’m sure.

But removed from the influence of one who fed (possibly without realizing it) my natural arrogant self-righteousness, I began to see it for what it was. Once I’d been fired, I learned just how much of a thunder-puppy I’d been. I learned how ugly that was. And if you don’t know what a thunder-puppy is, I’ll define it for you.

Thunder-puppy: (n) A person who is often considered wise beyond his or her years and has confidence in his or her knowledge of how everything should be without any grace in how they insist others apply that knowledge.

I realized recently just how unkind I had been during the first fifteen or so years of my marriage, and when I traced it back, I realized it was due to her influence.

Relying on Scripture alone.

Bible- unsplash

There’s a certain irony in this one. You see, I was a part of a fellowship that prided itself on having only the Word of God with which to interpret Him and His Word. We didn’t have “creeds” or “catechisms.” We were oh, so spiritual that way.

Yet, over the years, I’d learned to call and ask her opinion of this or that. Ask her what it meant to live out a verse. See how she lived out this passage. During the first fifteen or so years of marriage, my understanding of Scripture was filtered more through her lens than anyone else’s.

But when she “fired” me, I learned to go to the Word alone instead of someone’s opinion of it. Add to that another irony.

I’d first been drawn to our fellowship in another state—by another mentor of mine.

Missouri—1985. I was fourteen and starving—I thought for Biblical understanding. Looking back, I was starving for the Lord. But I assumed that the prayer I’d recited when prompted a few years earlier had done the trick, so I must just need to understand the Bible better.

I’d go to Mrs. Jan’s house and we’d talk. You know, she never got tired of the questions I’d ask about this or that. But man, I grew weary of her responses. I’d say, “What do you think about speaking in tongues?”

She’d never answer like I wanted. 

Instead, she’d say, “Well, let’s go see what the Bible says about that.” And in seconds, a Bible would be open and we’d be poring over the words of the Word, trying to figure out just what God had to say about it all.

It happened over and over and over. I’d ask about baptism, KJV only, wearing pants, head coverings, tithing, grace vs. truth. Mercy vs. justice. Never once did she answer with anything but, “Well, let’s see what the Bible says about it.”

Cooking dinner? She’d stop and pull out the Bible. Eating dinner? She’d reach over for it and read between bites. Driving in the car? She’d have her son look up this verse or that. Doing homework? Same.

I’ll never forget the day she said, “Well, let’s see what the Bible says about that,” and I blurted out, “I don’t want to know what the Bible says. I want to know what you think!”

Silence.

She didn’t reprove me. Nope. Mrs. Jan just waited for the light to flicker on. And it did. I distinctly remember saying, “Ooooh…”

My other mentor was like that somewhat, but she knew that I knew we go to the source of God’s wisdom—the Word. It wasn’t her fault that I relied so much on her—that I was so lazy. But I slowly became so over the years.

Being cut off retrained me to go to the Word and the Word alone—first, anyway. Only after that did I ask an opinion or for help. It taught me to rely on God again—God rather than man (or woman!). This one thing alone was worth the pain of rejection.

Learning to turn first to the Bible again was worth getting fired.

praying

I need to clarify something.

These things in my life—they’re my fault. Another young woman under my mentor’s guidance and influence would likely have had an entirely different experience. This woman loved the Lord. She urged me to do the same. But she wasn’t good for me, and I never saw it. I do now.

So as much as I miss her, and I do terribly sometimes, I’m grateful for that day when I sat down and wrote the email that would change our lives.

I’m grateful that she fired me.

Please, if you take nothing else from this post, consider this.

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. Hebrews 10:24 (NLT)

If the person you go to for Scriptural counsel does not “stimulate” (as the NAS puts it) us to do what is good and right, then regardless of their love of the Lord and a heart’s desire to serve Him, that person is probably not the best choice of a mentor for you.

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Comments

  1. Faith says

    May 15, 2018 at 10:35 am

    Thanks, Chautona! I thought back and saw that every person I relied on for guidance and friendship had in one way or another failed me. They were not perfect! 🙁 But seeing that they all had their issues; not their fault, but just the way things are for us feeble humans, over the years I began to realize I really had only one completely reliable Friend and His guide for life as a Christian, God and His Word; His manual for being a good wife, mother, friend, mentor to others. I love how your earlier friend always took you to God’s Word for answers. It is the only reliable source for wisdom. The knowledge of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Thanks for sharing!

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      May 15, 2018 at 2:36 pm

      Amen. It’s hard sometimes, but you do what you have to and you cling to the Lord. He can and does sustain us. Everything we need for life and godliness is in the Word. Good to see you!

      Reply
  2. flocat says

    May 14, 2018 at 3:52 pm

    Wow!! I’m sorry you went through that heartache, but it does seem like it really is for the better. There is an odd tendency for us to take on the characteristics of the people we “look up to”. One time someone pointed out to me that their friend had a limp when he was with his mentor, because his mentor limped. Other friends took on the accents of the people who mentored them. God is so gracious and kind and took you out of that situation.

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      May 14, 2018 at 4:17 pm

      I have a peculiar habit of picking up speech patterns and accents of those I’m around. I’ve been told it means I’d be able to pick up languages easily. Not so sure of that, but I find it interesting. Thank you for your kindness to me.

      Reply
  3. Emma says

    May 14, 2018 at 12:50 pm

    Hugs! A great reminder!

    Reply
  4. Joan says

    May 14, 2018 at 11:08 am

    Been there and done that. It’s hard and can be lonely but He assures us we are on the right track.

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      May 14, 2018 at 9:30 pm

      James 4:17 is a perfect example of why!

      Reply
  5. Pat Fenstermaker says

    May 14, 2018 at 9:05 am

    It brought tears to my eyes and heaviness to my heart. What kind of mentor am I to others? Hard hitting and truth speaking!! Thank you for your transparency and your love for the Lord and His Word!

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      May 14, 2018 at 3:49 pm

      Thanks for the encouragement, Pat. It sure has made me think… OFTEN.

      Reply
  6. Pam says

    May 14, 2018 at 8:34 am

    Awesome! It makes me think of my relationships and how hard it is to stand up for what you know is right. How to change the direction of the conversation with family members. Thanks for sharing and have a great day!

    Reply
  7. Annie Anderson says

    May 14, 2018 at 7:30 am

    This… this is true writing. Thank you for having the courage to share.

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      May 14, 2018 at 8:09 am

      Thank you for being gracious.

      Reply
  8. Natasha Metzler says

    May 14, 2018 at 6:58 am

    So much truth here.

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      May 14, 2018 at 7:09 am

      It’s a tough one to admit, but… sigh.

      Reply

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The Because Fiction Podcast

The Because Fiction Podcast
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Taking the pulse of Christian fiction

Episode 145: A Chat with Debut Women's Fiction Author, Sara Brunsvold
byChautona Havig

Debut Author, Sara Brunsvold, is bursting on the Christian Women’s fiction scene with an amazing book, The Extraordinary Deaths of Mrs. Kip. With characters who have captivated my heart from page one (and enough quirkiness to keep my attention to the last), Sara Brunsvold is sure to become a favorite author, and this book is already on my top five of the year before it’s even released!

Note links may be affiliate links that provide me with a small commission at no extra expense to you.

This Novel Isn’t Even Available Yet, and It’s in My Top 5!

If you’d told me that I’d fall so in love with two chapters of a book that it would push that book into my top five of the year so far, well… I’d have laughed.

The joke’s on me because it happened with Sara Brunsvold’s The Extraordinary Deaths of Mrs. Kip. This debut women’s fiction novel has a bit of a split-time element and is set in Kansas City. Trust me when I say that meeting Clara was one of the most fun introductions to a character I’ve ever had. I just love this woman, and I’m drumming my fingers to get to read more about her.  Not surprising considering it won the ACFW Genesis’s award a couple of years back. 😀

Sara says her passion is intergenerational stories, and you definitely get this with Aidyn and her “assignment,” Mrs. Kipp.  But you also get inter-cultural and ideological influences in this book as well.

And then there’s that next book she has coming out.  You know, the one about a gal cooking her way through her grandma’s German cookbook?  Yeah.  The one we have to wait until early 2024 for?  Yeah. That one.  Sigh.

When Sara told us about her favorite authors, a lot of things made sense.  Just sayin’. Find out which of Katherine Reay’s books are her favorites and how she fangirled over Reay’s response to an email (and why you should email your favorite author!).

The Extraordinary Deaths of Mrs. Kip by Sara Brunsvold

Aidyn Kelley is talented, ambitious, and ready for a more serious assignment than the fluff pieces she’s been getting as a cub reporter for the Kansas City Star. In her eagerness, she pushes too hard, earning herself the menial task of writing an obituary for an unremarkable woman who’s just entered hospice care.

But there’s more to Clara Kip than meets the eye. The spirited septuagenarian may be dying, but she’s not quite ready to cash it in yet. Never one to shy away from an assignment herself, she can see that God brought the young reporter into her life for a reason. And if it’s a story Aidyn Kelley wants, that’s just what Mrs. Kip will give her–but she’s going to have to work for it.

Debut author Sara Brunsvold delights with this emotional multigenerational story that shows that the very best life is made up of thousands of little deaths to self. You’ll want to be just like Mrs. Kip when you grow up!

This book is 40% off with free shipping from Baker Book House. That’s less than the Kindle version if you like paper!

You can learn more about Sara at her WEBSITE (and sign up for that newsletter so you can get Mrs.Kip’s 8 Rules to Live By). Oh, and if she does those videos of her cooking through that book, you’ll want to know when/where to find them.

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Episode 145: A Chat with Debut Women's Fiction Author, Sara Brunsvold
Episode 145: A Chat with Debut Women's Fiction Author, Sara Brunsvold
May 20, 2022
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