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Chautona Havig

Chautona Havig

Using story to connect YOU to the Master Storyteller

The Best Marriage Advice We Got Accidentally

by Chautona Havig · 1 Comment

What is my best marriage advice and why did I choose it? Well, I have a story about that, too. I know this surprises you. via @chautonahavig

“You guys have something going for you.”

I don’t know if my fiance said “What’s that?” or just looked at him waiting to hear what our genius thing was, but he continued.

“You were friends first. You’ve got something to hold you together if the romance dies.”

Little did he know he was talking to the most unromantic guy on the planet who was marrying the most unromantic gal. But when Kevin told me what our friend had said, it resonated with me.  See, I really was marrying my best friend. Did I love him?  Definitely. Was I “in love” with him?

Well, I thought so.  Or, perhaps a better way to put it was that I didn’t realize you could “love” someone without being “in love” in the same way other people talk about it.

Hint: You can.  I found that out a couple of months later when my now, husband, broke my jaw in a car accident six weeks before our wedding. Yeah… we’re kind of weird.  Never could do anything the way we were supposed to.

Our friend just made a casual comment that day–a wistful one. But what I didn’t know is there was some serious advice under there.

The Best MArriage Advice We Got Accidentally

Note: links may be affiliate links that provide a small commission at no extra expense to me.

The Best Marriage Advice We Got…  Accidentally

I’ve thought a lot about it over the years, and it really was unintentional advice.  Be friends first (and that counts even after you’re married).

The thing is, I’ve had people teach me that my husband should be my “only” friend.  I disagree with that.  If I have to choose him over someone else?  No question. But while I’d argue that your spouse should probably be your best friend, having a girlfriend (or a guy friend for him) that you can go to now and then… Priceless.

Let’s face it.  Life fills you with a lot of junk.  If I dumped every bit of that junk on my husband in my attempt to sort through and process it, he’d get worn out.  I don’t want to pile all my junk on him until the poor guy is overtaxed with all my stuff.

Looking back over the last thirty-two years, I see a pattern wiser friends and the Lord have taught me.

First, I deal with issues between me and the Lord.

One of the most important things for me is to work out issues I’m having between just me and the Lord. I find most things are my problem, and if I can get over it without involving anyone else but the only One who is truly equipped to deal with my problems… the better.  So, if I have a bad attitude about someone, I take it to the Lord.  I talk myself down.  I ask myself:

  • Did he mean to dismiss my concerns?
  • Did she mean to treat my time as worth less than hers?
  • Did they intend to rebuke me for something I didn’t do?
  • Did she mean to make me feel like I can’t do anything right?

99% of the time?  The answer is no.  And when you know someone isn’t trying to “get your goat,” it’s easier to move along.  But if I’d dumped all that on Kevin?  Well, he’d have a lot of baggage to help me sort.  That’s just not right.

Second, I take things that might concern him to my husband.

If I can’t get past it, and it involves something he can help fix, I go to Kevin with it.  When we were first married, there were a couple of times I had to dump on him about family issues. Occasionally, it’s a friend and I need him to urge me to set up some kind of boundary. Once in a while, it’s just that I need someone to vent to who will tune it out when I’m done.  He does that well.  If it’s an issue with something at home, I’ll likely bring it to him.

Otherwise, I like to keep things that would weigh him (and therefore us) down off his plate, so to speak.

Everything else, I take to a trusted friend.

Once in a while, this might be my bad attitude about something in my life.  Other times, it’s a problem I need to solve.  The fact is that sometimes women “get” us in a way a guy can’t. They claim women talk up to as much as four times as much as men. I’ve seen studies that both support and refute this, but here’s the thing. In my personal life, I see a pattern.  Most wives I know say they talk more than their husbands. I know exceptions, of course.

But seriously. If I can unload a lot of those thoughts, ideas, frustrations, etc. on someone who gets me and doesn’t feel pressure to “fix it” for me like my husband wants to do… I’ll do it.

Am I advocating my process for everyone? Is THIS my marriage advice?

Nope.  Not at all.  Every wife knows what either is or isn’t best for her marriage.  If what isn’t best isn’t this, sure. Try it.  If what is best is not doing things this way… then don’t! But I do think that tiny bit of advice we accidentally got matters.

Keep your friendship with your husband alive.  Because our friend was right.  Sometimes all those warm fuzzies just don’t come out to play. But if you’re great friends with the man you call husband, well… you’ve got fertile soil to grow in.  And if you need help in the “How to wife” department, well, I recommend THIS book.

So why the marriage advice?

Today is the release of my second (technically third) Independence Islands book– Bookers on the Rocks.

Now, these books are supposed to be contemporary romance novels, but… well… this one ended up being more romantic women’s fiction. That might have something to do with the fact that my couple is married.  I mean, duh!

Tessa and Ross have been married for twenty-five years. They’re both happy, they don’t argue, no one is having an affair or even considering it, and yet…

Their marriage is on the rocks.

Tessa hates romance. Her idea of romance (like mine, actually) used to be dishes, dinner, and diapers–the triple D. The terrific trifecta.  The golden… yeah. You get the point.

In Bookers on the Rocks, I explored what would happen if “the way we’ve always been” just wasn’t enough anymore.  Was my point that every couple needs to infuse their lives with sappy romance?

Not hardly.

It was more that we don’t want to assume that just because things were great this way 20 years ago means it’ll always be great.  Sometimes, we need… more.  And I explored how that might look and what might prompt it.

Bookers on the Rocks is available… TODAY!

Bookers on the Rocks

Bookers on the Rocks

$9.99eBook: $4.99Audiobook: $12.95
Author: Chautona Havig
Series: Independence Island Series, Book 2
Tag: Romance

Book 2 of the Independence Islands Series, Bookers on the Rocks takes place on Elnora Island and is a twist on the "On the Rocks" romantic trope.

More info →
Buy This Book Online
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Bookers on the Rocks
Buy now!

I don’t know if you can see it, but um… Bookers is available in print, on kindle, and AUDIOBOOK!  SQUEE!  So excited.  It’ll take a couple of weeks for it to be available on Audible–they’re crawling with the approval process these days–but still. It’s ready and it’s SO perfect.  Christa DelSorbo is AMAZING.

And today is day one of seven celebrating the release.  Every author will have a day this week when they will share their best marriage advice. I just get to be first this time. 😀

 

To enter to win cool prizes, go from blog to blog each week. Every widget is different and offers different prizes.  Here’s the list:

  • Tuesday: Chautona Havig(that’s me! shocker, I know)
  • Wednesday: Melissa Wardwell
  • Thursday:  Kari Trumbo
  • Friday:  Rachel Skatvold
  • Saturday:  Tabitha Bouldin
  • Sunday:  Carolyn Miller
  • Monday:  Sandy Barela (Celebrate Lit Publishing)

Get those entries in!

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  1. So, you want to get married? - Melissa Wardwell says:
    February 4, 2021 at 4:33 am

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The Because Fiction Podcast

The Because Fiction Podcast
The Because Fiction Podcast

Taking the pulse of Christian fiction

Episode 162: A Chat with Author, Nancy Naigle
byChautona Havig

Hey, we’re back after a couple of weeks of vacation, and boy did I need it. And, have I got a fabulous interview for you. Nancy Naigle and I talked about her books, her most recent release, What Remains True as well as her Christmas books and the one I’m most anxious to read, The Shell Collector. Listen in and learn about what Nancy says about this bet she has going on in What Remains True. Great stuff!

Note: links may be affiliate links that provide me with a small commission at no extra expense to you.

Need a Great Romantic Read to Wind Up Your Summer Reads?

As I said in the podcast, a while back, someone told me I’d LOVE The Shell Collector–one of those people who recommends books you HAVE to read if they say you do.  So I bought it and it’s been sitting on my shelf ever since. Well, now it’s on my GoodReads shelf, and I’m about to start it (and I optimistically thought I’d be done with it by the time this episode released. Oh, me of too much faith in myself and my time management!)

Author of over thirty books, not to mention a bestselling author who also has movies made of her novels (And The Shell Collector has been optioned! EEEP!), Nancy loves to write Christmas books and small-town stories. Seriously, as we talked, I felt like she was talking about me half the time. We’re so very alike in so many ways. It was fun.

Nancy also pointed out that her first books (if you go WAY back) are not Christian fiction and are a bit spicier than she prefers to write and definitely more than she writes today. So be warned there, but she did assure us that they are all closed-door books.

What Remains True by Nancy Naigle

One woman wants to win a bet. One man wants to become a rodeo champion. One little girl may give them both something even better—from USA Today bestselling author Nancy Naigle.

“A commitment-phobic rodeo star and a divorcée with secrets find love in this wholesome romance. . . . As uplifting as it is sweet.”—Publishers Weekly

Working at a little shop on Main Street in a small town is exactly the break that executive Merry Anna Foster needs following her divorce. She’s made a bet with her ex-husband that she can live on the amount of money she’s giving him in alimony. If she can do it, then Kevin will have to stop complaining and leave her alone. But after three months of this new life, will she even want to leave Antler Creek?

Adam Locklear, bull rider and owner of the local feedstore, is having the best year of his rodeo career. He’s also a bit distracted by the pretty new neighbor living in his old bunkhouse. But Adam has no time for matters of the heart. He’s got his future all mapped out, and that future doesn’t involve a woman just yet. It doesn’t involve parenting a little girl either. However, Carly Fowler still suddenly leaves five-year-old Zan—the daughter Adam didn’t know he had—in his care.

Is it possible that the future holds a life even better than what Merry Anna and Adam had each dreamed of? One that includes both tenderness and even love—not just for each other but for Zan too?

You can learn more about Nancy’s books and movies on her WEBSITE.

Oh, and PSST… I’m loving the audiobook of this one!

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Episode 162: A Chat with Author, Nancy Naigle
Episode 162: A Chat with Author, Nancy Naigle
August 9, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 161: A Chat with Christian Women's Fiction Robin W. Pearson
July 26, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 160: A Chat with Liz Johnson about The Last Way Home
July 22, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 159: A Chat with Biblical Fiction Author, Mesu Andrews
July 19, 2022
Chautona Havig
A Chat with Historical Christian Fiction Author, Stephanie Landsem
July 12, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 157: A Chat with Historical Christian Fiction Author, Lynn Austin
July 8, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 156: The Fragrance of Violets by Susan K. Beatty
July 5, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 155: Chatting with Heather Day Gilbert & Jen Cudmore
July 1, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 154: A Chat with Romantic Suspense Author, Sami A. Abrams
June 28, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 153: A Chat with Historical Author, Tracie Peterson
June 21, 2022
Chautona Havig
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