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Chautona Havig

Chautona Havig

Using story to connect YOU to the Master Storyteller

The Best Marriage Advice We Got Accidentally

by Chautona Havig · 1 Comment

What is my best marriage advice and why did I choose it? Well, I have a story about that, too. I know this surprises you. via @chautonahavig

“You guys have something going for you.”

I don’t know if my fiance said “What’s that?” or just looked at him waiting to hear what our genius thing was, but he continued.

“You were friends first. You’ve got something to hold you together if the romance dies.”

Little did he know he was talking to the most unromantic guy on the planet who was marrying the most unromantic gal. But when Kevin told me what our friend had said, it resonated with me.  See, I really was marrying my best friend. Did I love him?  Definitely. Was I “in love” with him?

Well, I thought so.  Or, perhaps a better way to put it was that I didn’t realize you could “love” someone without being “in love” in the same way other people talk about it.

Hint: You can.  I found that out a couple of months later when my now, husband, broke my jaw in a car accident six weeks before our wedding. Yeah… we’re kind of weird.  Never could do anything the way we were supposed to.

Our friend just made a casual comment that day–a wistful one. But what I didn’t know is there was some serious advice under there.

The Best MArriage Advice We Got Accidentally

Note: links may be affiliate links that provide a small commission at no extra expense to me.

The Best Marriage Advice We Got…  Accidentally

I’ve thought a lot about it over the years, and it really was unintentional advice.  Be friends first (and that counts even after you’re married).

The thing is, I’ve had people teach me that my husband should be my “only” friend.  I disagree with that.  If I have to choose him over someone else?  No question. But while I’d argue that your spouse should probably be your best friend, having a girlfriend (or a guy friend for him) that you can go to now and then… Priceless.

Let’s face it.  Life fills you with a lot of junk.  If I dumped every bit of that junk on my husband in my attempt to sort through and process it, he’d get worn out.  I don’t want to pile all my junk on him until the poor guy is overtaxed with all my stuff.

Looking back over the last thirty-two years, I see a pattern wiser friends and the Lord have taught me.

First, I deal with issues between me and the Lord.

One of the most important things for me is to work out issues I’m having between just me and the Lord. I find most things are my problem, and if I can get over it without involving anyone else but the only One who is truly equipped to deal with my problems… the better.  So, if I have a bad attitude about someone, I take it to the Lord.  I talk myself down.  I ask myself:

  • Did he mean to dismiss my concerns?
  • Did she mean to treat my time as worth less than hers?
  • Did they intend to rebuke me for something I didn’t do?
  • Did she mean to make me feel like I can’t do anything right?

99% of the time?  The answer is no.  And when you know someone isn’t trying to “get your goat,” it’s easier to move along.  But if I’d dumped all that on Kevin?  Well, he’d have a lot of baggage to help me sort.  That’s just not right.

Second, I take things that might concern him to my husband.

If I can’t get past it, and it involves something he can help fix, I go to Kevin with it.  When we were first married, there were a couple of times I had to dump on him about family issues. Occasionally, it’s a friend and I need him to urge me to set up some kind of boundary. Once in a while, it’s just that I need someone to vent to who will tune it out when I’m done.  He does that well.  If it’s an issue with something at home, I’ll likely bring it to him.

Otherwise, I like to keep things that would weigh him (and therefore us) down off his plate, so to speak.

Everything else, I take to a trusted friend.

Once in a while, this might be my bad attitude about something in my life.  Other times, it’s a problem I need to solve.  The fact is that sometimes women “get” us in a way a guy can’t. They claim women talk up to as much as four times as much as men. I’ve seen studies that both support and refute this, but here’s the thing. In my personal life, I see a pattern.  Most wives I know say they talk more than their husbands. I know exceptions, of course.

But seriously. If I can unload a lot of those thoughts, ideas, frustrations, etc. on someone who gets me and doesn’t feel pressure to “fix it” for me like my husband wants to do… I’ll do it.

Am I advocating my process for everyone? Is THIS my marriage advice?

Nope.  Not at all.  Every wife knows what either is or isn’t best for her marriage.  If what isn’t best isn’t this, sure. Try it.  If what is best is not doing things this way… then don’t! But I do think that tiny bit of advice we accidentally got matters.

Keep your friendship with your husband alive.  Because our friend was right.  Sometimes all those warm fuzzies just don’t come out to play. But if you’re great friends with the man you call husband, well… you’ve got fertile soil to grow in.  And if you need help in the “How to wife” department, well, I recommend THIS book.

So why the marriage advice?

Today is the release of my second (technically third) Independence Islands book– Bookers on the Rocks.

Now, these books are supposed to be contemporary romance novels, but… well… this one ended up being more romantic women’s fiction. That might have something to do with the fact that my couple is married.  I mean, duh!

Tessa and Ross have been married for twenty-five years. They’re both happy, they don’t argue, no one is having an affair or even considering it, and yet…

Their marriage is on the rocks.

Tessa hates romance. Her idea of romance (like mine, actually) used to be dishes, dinner, and diapers–the triple D. The terrific trifecta.  The golden… yeah. You get the point.

In Bookers on the Rocks, I explored what would happen if “the way we’ve always been” just wasn’t enough anymore.  Was my point that every couple needs to infuse their lives with sappy romance?

Not hardly.

It was more that we don’t want to assume that just because things were great this way 20 years ago means it’ll always be great.  Sometimes, we need… more.  And I explored how that might look and what might prompt it.

Bookers on the Rocks is available… TODAY!

Bookers on the Rocks

Bookers on the Rocks

$9.99eBook: $4.99Audiobook: $12.95
Author: Chautona Havig
Series: Independence Island Series, Book 2
Tag: Romance

Book 2 of the Independence Islands Series, Bookers on the Rocks takes place on Elnora Island and is a twist on the "On the Rocks" romantic trope.

More info →
Buy This Book Online
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Bookers on the Rocks
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I don’t know if you can see it, but um… Bookers is available in print, on kindle, and AUDIOBOOK!  SQUEE!  So excited.  It’ll take a couple of weeks for it to be available on Audible–they’re crawling with the approval process these days–but still. It’s ready and it’s SO perfect.  Christa DelSorbo is AMAZING.

And today is day one of seven celebrating the release.  Every author will have a day this week when they will share their best marriage advice. I just get to be first this time. 😀

 

To enter to win cool prizes, go from blog to blog each week. Every widget is different and offers different prizes.  Here’s the list:

  • Tuesday: Chautona Havig(that’s me! shocker, I know)
  • Wednesday: Melissa Wardwell
  • Thursday:  Kari Trumbo
  • Friday:  Rachel Skatvold
  • Saturday:  Tabitha Bouldin
  • Sunday:  Carolyn Miller
  • Monday:  Sandy Barela (Celebrate Lit Publishing)

Get those entries in!

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  1. So, you want to get married? - Melissa Wardwell says:
    February 4, 2021 at 4:33 am

    […] Chautona Havig – Jan 26 […]

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The Because Fiction Podcast

The Because Fiction Podcast
The Because Fiction Podcast

Taking the pulse of Christian fiction

Episode 145: A Chat with Debut Women's Fiction Author, Sara Brunsvold
byChautona Havig

Debut Author, Sara Brunsvold, is bursting on the Christian Women’s fiction scene with an amazing book, The Extraordinary Deaths of Mrs. Kip. With characters who have captivated my heart from page one (and enough quirkiness to keep my attention to the last), Sara Brunsvold is sure to become a favorite author, and this book is already on my top five of the year before it’s even released!

Note links may be affiliate links that provide me with a small commission at no extra expense to you.

This Novel Isn’t Even Available Yet, and It’s in My Top 5!

If you’d told me that I’d fall so in love with two chapters of a book that it would push that book into my top five of the year so far, well… I’d have laughed.

The joke’s on me because it happened with Sara Brunsvold’s The Extraordinary Deaths of Mrs. Kip. This debut women’s fiction novel has a bit of a split-time element and is set in Kansas City. Trust me when I say that meeting Clara was one of the most fun introductions to a character I’ve ever had. I just love this woman, and I’m drumming my fingers to get to read more about her.  Not surprising considering it won the ACFW Genesis’s award a couple of years back. 😀

Sara says her passion is intergenerational stories, and you definitely get this with Aidyn and her “assignment,” Mrs. Kipp.  But you also get inter-cultural and ideological influences in this book as well.

And then there’s that next book she has coming out.  You know, the one about a gal cooking her way through her grandma’s German cookbook?  Yeah.  The one we have to wait until early 2024 for?  Yeah. That one.  Sigh.

When Sara told us about her favorite authors, a lot of things made sense.  Just sayin’. Find out which of Katherine Reay’s books are her favorites and how she fangirled over Reay’s response to an email (and why you should email your favorite author!).

The Extraordinary Deaths of Mrs. Kip by Sara Brunsvold

Aidyn Kelley is talented, ambitious, and ready for a more serious assignment than the fluff pieces she’s been getting as a cub reporter for the Kansas City Star. In her eagerness, she pushes too hard, earning herself the menial task of writing an obituary for an unremarkable woman who’s just entered hospice care.

But there’s more to Clara Kip than meets the eye. The spirited septuagenarian may be dying, but she’s not quite ready to cash it in yet. Never one to shy away from an assignment herself, she can see that God brought the young reporter into her life for a reason. And if it’s a story Aidyn Kelley wants, that’s just what Mrs. Kip will give her–but she’s going to have to work for it.

Debut author Sara Brunsvold delights with this emotional multigenerational story that shows that the very best life is made up of thousands of little deaths to self. You’ll want to be just like Mrs. Kip when you grow up!

This book is 40% off with free shipping from Baker Book House. That’s less than the Kindle version if you like paper!

You can learn more about Sara at her WEBSITE (and sign up for that newsletter so you can get Mrs.Kip’s 8 Rules to Live By). Oh, and if she does those videos of her cooking through that book, you’ll want to know when/where to find them.

Like to listen on the go? You can find Because Fiction Podcast at:

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Episode 145: A Chat with Debut Women's Fiction Author, Sara Brunsvold
Episode 145: A Chat with Debut Women's Fiction Author, Sara Brunsvold
May 20, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 144: Chatting about Restored Grace with Kathleen J. Robison
May 17, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 143: A Chat with Romantic Suspense Author, Mary Alford
May 13, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 142: A Chat about A Promise Engraved by Liz Tolsma
May 10, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 141: A Chat with Elizabeth Goddard about Critical Alliance
May 3, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 140: A Chat about When the Meadow Blooms by Ann H. Gabhart
April 29, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 139: A Chat with Middle-Grade Author, RM Ruiz
April 26, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 138: A Gush about a Good (more like GREAT) Read & GoodReads
April 22, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 137: A Chat with Contemporary Romance Author, Mandi Blake
April 19, 2022
Chautona Havig
Episode 136: A Chat with Middle-Grade Historical Author, Marie Sontag
April 15, 2022
Chautona Havig
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Reposted from @beckylewis345 Life can be hard. Ent Reposted from @beckylewis345 Life can be hard. Enter cozies like A Sprinkle in Time by Dana Mentink. Clean, with a sweet romance, whose amateur sleuth runs a delectable shake shop. A dog, a child, precocious twins who work for the shake shop, and lovable Papa Luis. Plus, of course, plenty of suspects. “Murder, mayhem, and milkshakes. Who’d a thunk it?”

Trinidad Jones becomes someone I truly care about in this book. I am amazed at how she and Gabe’s two other former wives forgive each other and actually become friends. Not just friends, but family, as thick as blood. Now there is a small cluster of characters to follow and enjoy in this town of Upper Sprocket. Fun!

I enjoy the inclusion of dogs, children, and special-needs people, and Dana Mentink brings them all to our Shimmy and Shake Shop story. Noodles is old, but what a loyal companion, and, wow, does he have an amazing ability or two! Little  Felice adds warmth and vulnerability to the tale. Doug, the special-needs brother of Trinity’s love interest, Quinn, adds reality and complexity to the novel. 

Mentink has a good sense of humor and I laughed out loud several times. Just what I want out of a cozy. Mystery, romance, great characters, laughter. A fun occupation that the sleuth actually works at. I am happy to report I made it through the book without indulging in ice cream! But, can you?

I am looking forward to more murder and mayhem in Upper Sprocket! Plus more Freakshakes! 

———————————————————————
I received a copy of the book from Celebrate Lit. (I also bought my own copy.) No positive review was required, and all opinions are my own.
———————————————————————
Notable Quotables:
“He was merely a friend the way a Ming vase was just an old pot.”

“There’s your plan and God’s plan, and your plan…” “Doesn’t count,”

“Maybe it’s one of those weird small-town happenings.” “A body in your trunk isn’t a happening, it’s a horror movie,”

“It wasn’t an easy thing to command the heart to feel what the brain ordered.”

“Rumors carry so much more weight than the truth, sometimes.”
Giveaway on blog in bio.
#celebratelit
#danamentink
#frozendesserts
#justdeserts 
#justiceforsprockett
#amreadingcozies
Reposted from @celebratelit Did you know that When Reposted from @celebratelit Did you know that When the Pilot Falls by April Hayman from the Ever After Mystery series is 25% off with the Celebrate Lit Summer Sale? 

More about the book: 
In 1923, there aren’t many pilots, but Willie Labeau didn’t let that stop… her.

A bear of a man, Hugh Taylor, needs a stunt plane pilot, and despite their rocky introduction, Willie sets off for golden California and a new life as his pilot. There’s just one little thing she has to do in addition to flying.

Leave his past alone. Period.

When the flame of her own curiosity becomes fanned by encouragement from Willie’s sister, the feisty pilot can’t help but do just a little investigating.

And Hugh vanishes.

Friends rally around her, and with all the information she can find in hand, Willie sets off to rescue Hugh and battle the evil family holding him hostage.

A fierce air race, a sincere act of humility—are they enough to free Hugh and give Willie a chance to be with him… forever?

Find out in this next book in the Ever After Mysteries, combining beloved fairy tales and mysteries. When the Pilot Falls offers a retelling of “East of the Sun, West of the Moon” that will keep you gripped to the edge of your seat as you watch hearts soar and daring dos.

Link in bio! 

#aprilhayman #whenthepilotfalls #everaftermysteries #celebratelit #christianfiction #historicalfiction #bookstagram #bookloversofinstagram #readersofinstagram
Dial W for Wrangler: Vi's just trying to sell used Dial W for Wrangler: Vi's just trying to sell used recliners and old, broken wagon wheels.  She can't help it if folks keep asking for help with their love lives... can she?
See the lengths Wade goes to in his quest to behave like a rational guy.
Releases Tuesday, May 24. Available on 
#Kindle
#KindleUnlimited
#PaperbackBooks

#ChristFic
#YouAreOnTheAir
#ContemporaryChristianSweetRomance

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Link to group is in my bio!
And tomorrow the GoodReads Giveaway begins!
How does this author celebrate a finished book? By How does this author celebrate a finished book? By reading someone else's finished book. 😀 
#amending
#needicecream 
#onthemenu
#freakshakes
"Murder, mayhem, and milkshakes. Who'd a thunk "Murder,  mayhem,  and milkshakes.  Who'd a thunk it?"
@dana_mentink 
#shimmyandshakeshop
#cozymystery 
#needicecream
Love it when publishers use plays on words. #amend Love it when publishers use plays on words.
#amending
#cozymysterybooks 
@dana_mentink
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