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Chautona Havig

Chautona Havig

Using story to connect YOU to the Master Storyteller

4 Reasons NOT to Have a Large Family (# 3 is the kicker)

by Chautona Havig · 13 Comments

In case you hadn’t heard, we have nine children. Nine. Count ’em 1, 2, 3… yeah. Nine.  Additionally, we have five grandchildren (and that’s just #1Daughter’s contribution). A large family is a blessing and… well… yeah.  It’s a blessing.

Let’s go with that one.

And although all but one of those kids are now adults (for a whole week now!), I still have four living at home fulltime and two who come home on college breaks.

At any given time, there’s a pile of clean laundry beside the couch–a pile larger than most people wash in a week.  For us, it’s only a day or two’s worth of clean clothes.  We won’t talk about the dirty ones.  If my husband wasn’t the amazing man he is, we’d have some serious clothing issues.

Cassie would flip out because I’d be lobbying for thrift store clothes on .25 a bag day.  Bring ’em home, wear ’em (and pray they were washed first), and toss ’em at the end of the day.  Okay.  That’s hyperbole.

Mostly.

Look, we won’t even talk about how half of them are never home for dinner, but I haven’t learned to cook for five or six instead of eleven yet.  And then there’s that little-known sorta-secret of mine.

I never wanted children.  So obviously, I did NOT want a large family.  I don’t LIKE children!!!!!

Here’s another one for you. I was wrong about that whole not wanting children.  So very wrong. I just didn’t know it. I’m so glad God took care of that little problem for me!

So, why do it?

Having our family was an act of faith for me.  When people asked us how many children we would have, I didn’t know how to answer it.  I mean, what was I going to say? “Oops.  Forgot to tell you, dear.  I don’t want kids.”

And really, once you have one (and I brought one into our marriage–God’s idea, not mine), how do you decide you’re going to have one but not two.  Two but not four.  Six but not two.  How do you decide on an arbitrary number?  I didn’t know.  All I knew is that God was right about my oldest, and He would likely give us exactly what He wanted us to have.  If we trusted.

My husband agreed.

So we did.  Baby after baby came.  Strange… I rarely thought much of it.  And yes, I had friends who thought I was crazy and others who really believed that I had all these kids because I just had this overwhelming need to get pregnant.  Hint.  NOT. TRUE.

I have never had the “baby itch.”  

Others say it’s easy for me to say that because my body never had the chance to do that.  Sorry.  I don’t believe that’s true.  Remember the part about not liking children?  That wasn’t really a lie or an exaggeration.  God blessed me with nine children that I love and like.  But other people’s children–small doses, please.  I really think it’s because many if not most children don’t mix well with extreme introversion.

I think that’s the culprit.

And I’m an extreme introvert.

2015 Havig Family Christmas Photo

(But aren’t my kids and bestekids awesome?)

Back to the whole baby after baby/large family thing.

So there I was… every 20 or 22 months, popping out another baby.  One woman really tried to encourage me to stop.  She thought I was only happy if I had a new baby or something.  This woman (meaning me) values her sleep too much to use babies as self-validators.  Just sayin’.  I tried to explain that I was happy because I trusted the Lord.  If I found out I was pregnant next week. I’d be thrilled.  If I never had another baby. I’d be thrilled.  And I meant it.  I truly meant it.

In an effort to make her understand, I even tried to demonstrate it when we had an unprecedented gap between children seven and eight.  Big mistake.

You see, she was always so negative about the next baby, that I’d gotten in the habit of calling and saying,

“I’ve got great news.  I’m going to tell you and then hang up.  Please don’t call until you can be happy for us.  I’m pregnant.”

And then I’d hang up and a few days later, she’d call.  We’d be good for another pregnancy.  Well, between those two children, I called her once, said the same first part, but at the end, I said, “I’m not pregnant!”  You know, trying to show that whole happy either way thing?

Totally failed.  When I did get pregnant with baby eight, she threw it back in my face. “You were thrilled not to have to go through another pregnancy!”

 Um… that’s not what I said.  Sigh.

So, I want to go on record now.

I am 100% thrilled that the Lord gave us every single child that He did and WHEN He did.

Trust me; I wouldn’t have my life any other way. I like my large family.

And when I had health problems and my husband took that as the Lord closing my womb, I was thrilled with that, too.  I don’t miss pregnancy.  Don’t miss nursing.  I don’t miss sleepless nights and walking around like a zombie.  And yeah, I never relished those things, but man… I LOVE my kids and am grateful for every minute with them–except when they were puking.  Didn’t relish that.  Don’t want to relive those moments.  Just keepin’ it real.

4 reasons not to have a large family

Note: links may be affiliates that provide me with a small commission at no extra cost to you. Also, this post is from 2016 but has been updated as of March of 2018.

But there ARE reasons not to have a large family.  And I thought I’d share them with you.

1: Having a large family stretches you in every conceivable way.

  • Your house–you’d be amazed but eleven people CAN live in 1100 sq. ft. quite comfortably.
  • Your finances–you’ll think you’re broke every day, but the money is still there to feed, clothe, and educate those kids.  Because God is amazing.  That’s all I can say.
  • Your SELF–I remember once telling a friend, “These kids will be the death of me.”  And she said, “GOOD!  We’re supposed to die to ourselves.  They’re just helping mold you into the  Christian the Lord wants you to be.”  Well, bully for them!
  • Your body–ouch!  Wow.  I had no idea just how STRETCHABLE my body was until it stretched out and retracted time and again.  And on that note, young moms, I’m begging you.  Read this.

2: Time alone is precious.

You don’t get much of that lovely stuff with nine kids.  People of one or two always tell me how blessed I am to have such a nice, easy transition into an empty nest.  Well, I say it’s for the birds.  Yeah.  Why don’t we be more like those birds?  Kick ’em outta that nest the second we think they can fly!  Why, if I did that, I’d be sitting here with two kids and an office! (totally tongue in cheek, folks!)

  • Of course, I wouldn’t have had those extra years with my second and third daughters–spending time together, laughing, watching movies, debating books and politics.  Yeah, I’d have missed out on all that stuff.
  • I’d be missing out on #4 daughter’s hilarious observations and generousness with her car when we’re down a vehicle.
  • I’d be missing out on #1 son’s hilarious sense of humor (understated and dry–my fave),
  • #5 daughter’s blossoming into such a neat person, and
  • #6 daughter’s AMAZING cooking.

So yeah… I would have a lot more time alone.  I’d have my office now.  But you know what?  Two of those kids are almost never here–off at school. Then they’ll be off in their own worlds doing their own things. I think I can wait until then.

If you love time alone.  Skip the large family.  Trust me.

3:  Sanctification.

That’s right.  While I believe the Lord gives us children to bless us, not as “stretching exercises,” I know that they will definitely grow you spiritually–in one direction or another.  You’ll either learn to cling to the Lord for everything (this is good), or you’ll run screaming from Him as the world’s biggest bully–the kind that attacks with a womb and nursing kid with razors for teeth.  The Lord used mine in my sanctification process–definitely.

I, like many thunder puppies before me, was blessed with children and the Lord used them to humble me. Look, if you like being self-righteous, arrogant, and RIGHT… don’t have children.

But if you do, whatever you do, don’t have half a dozen or more.  Eventually, you’ll either end up in a pretty padded white room or you’ll end up at the feet of Jesus, a broken woman–broken of pride, arrogance, self-importance, and most of all, thunderpuppyitis.

My kids will tell you.  I made every mistake in the book.  We did what we believed was right.  I loved the Lord. We taught them how to learn.  I taught them about Jesus.  They have no idea how many hours I spent crying out to the Lord for wisdom.  And that’s probably a good thing.  I’d never have grandchildren if they did.

4:  Large families make celebrations chaotic.

Ever see My Big Fat Greek Wedding?   I rest my case.  Seriously, if you love quiet, stress-free family events, don’t have a dozen kids.

Remember that time you accidentally spilled a glass at a restaurant?  You were a well-behaved kid who made a mistake.  Large families aren’t chaotic because they’re full of bratty kids who weren’t taught better.  Nope.  It’s sheer numbers.  You exponentially increase the chaos quotient with every birth.

I’ve done the math.  Of course, I had a LOT of birthday and Christmas celebrations as a kid.  I loved them.  I really did.  But you know what?  Let me tell you.  I watch my kids with each other on birthdays, Christmas, and other holidays?  It’s amazing. Beautiful.  It’s SO COOL–chaotic at times… but man.  I wouldn’t change it for anything.

What made me post this?

Why am I freaking out about big families today?  Am I pregnant with the number 10 we’ve threatened all of our kids’ lives?  (We said we’d have ten, they could each have ten, and then we’d get a hundred grandkids.  Well, we didn’t keep up our end of the bargain, so they ALL say they aren’t going to go the ten route… even the one halfway there!)

No… not pregnant.  At almost forty-eight, I’ve moved out of “thrilled if I do and thrilled if I don’t” and into “I’d be thankful for a child if the Lord gave me one, but I pray He doesn’t” camp.

I was just thinking about all the things that have made me who I am today–and having a large family is definitely one of them. But I’ve gotta admit a couple of things.

  1. There are definite reasons not to have a large family. And Emma below has another one. Answering the same question in the space of minutes… it gets old, folks!
  2. I’m still really glad that I did.

This is a revised post from 2016. 

 

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Comments

  1. Mary says

    February 25, 2019 at 8:06 pm

    I am one of eleven kids and there’s no pretty padded white room in sight. I wouldn’t be where I am without them and I’m grateful. So grateful.

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      February 26, 2019 at 12:16 am

      I’m just glad I was wrong about having those kids. 😀

      Reply
  2. drvandezande says

    January 25, 2018 at 10:53 am

    Wow–a kindred spirit! We came to Christ out of the environmental and ZPG movement, and I’m so thankful that the Lord somehow lead us to trust Him. We had planned on one child, ended up with 8, and feel very blessed by every one of them. Thank you for writing this. 🙂 (By the way, I’m Emma Filbrun’s mom: she would have been an only child, poor thing.)

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      January 25, 2018 at 3:00 pm

      Well, the world is a more beautiful place than it would be without her. My decision wasn’t so altruistic. Totally selfish. I didn’t like kids (still only like them in small doses–except for mine. LOVE mine and I am so glad I was wrong about that bit!) and did not want any.

      Thankfully I learned young.

      Reply
  3. Emma says

    March 6, 2016 at 12:57 am

    You missed another reason not to have a large family: So you won’t have to answer the same question or give the same piece of information as many times as there are children. “No, the sausages are all gone.” “There are no more sausages.” “Someone else already ate the last sausage.” But, even with 8 children I got time alone tonight, walking along a deserted beach at the nearby bay while my husband and daughter watched the six boys play in the water! It was lovely.

    Reply
  4. Lonzine Lee says

    March 3, 2016 at 7:41 pm

    Lovely family. I am the mother of one. My dad had 13 brothers and sisters, so I can relate to the dynamics of an energetic, loving family. Thanks for being so candid. It’s a beautiful legacy.

    Reply
  5. Bonny says

    March 3, 2016 at 4:15 pm

    Love this! and yeah, I’m one of the 20 who did not know you have 9 children! I envy you! I was only blessed with 2 . . . however, my husband is the oldest of 12 . . . . so I know how great family parties can be!!!

    God bless (more and more) and thanks for sharing!!!

    Reply
  6. Karen says

    March 3, 2016 at 9:47 am

    Thank you for a very well balanced post about large families. It’s hard to walk the narrow line of chaos and contentment that comes from living the large family life.
    I am one of those that marvels at your ability to string together a cohesive sentence. It’s been over twenty years since I’ve had a complete thought- never mind it making it all the way to paper.
    And I’ve not met anyone else with a big family who wasn’t going to have children. I told God I wasn’t going to get married or have children (I know, I was young, and completely serious:)). I’ve been married 29 years and we have 14 children. Still only enjoy babies that belong to me and mine. Most of our kids ended up in our family after a long journey and with lots of baggage. They’ve put more stretch marks on my heart than the homegrown ones have added to my body, but there’s joy in the trials- always.
    The baby is eight, and the count around the dinner table often dips to single digits. More often than not, there’s a grand kid or two running around. Looking forward to the days when I can read uninterrupted during the daylight hours. For now, thank you for the many sleepless hours you’ve contributed to- the encouragement, enjoyment, and wrestling that your writing has brought me.

    Reply
  7. Andrea Rossignol says

    March 3, 2016 at 9:32 am

    I think you should write a parenting book! Or at least send Iris to my house to give me some tips!

    Reply
  8. Melissa Wardwell says

    March 3, 2016 at 5:37 am

    Oh girl! This is awesome. I only have 3, but I am with you about taking other people’s kids in small doses. I love my “me time” and feel blessed that my youngest will be 10 this year and no more babies are on the horizon. Though, I wouldn’t be upset if God had other ideas.
    I have friend with large families and I want to give each and every one of them a super hero cape because I could tell imagine having good more than the three I have.
    My hats off to you girl and happy writing Aggie’s story. I love her.

    Reply
  9. Colleen says

    March 3, 2016 at 5:13 am

    So right on! I was in that same camp you mention towards the end, at age 44, with 8 kids from 5-20, 6 homeschooling and two in college. And now, I’m expecting #9. But you are so right about the trust thing — God’s plans have always been infinitely better than mine. Loved your post about taking care of yourself along the way, too. I struggle with that now, too, and wish I had done more for myself along the way to be healthy. The folly of youth!

    Reply
  10. Tristan RowLee says

    March 3, 2016 at 3:17 am

    I giggled a lot reading your post today! Probably because I’m rocking baby #9 right now (he’s not quite 4 months old) after having just driven my oldest (14) to early morning seminary at 5:40am. Nine children certainly is an experience! Aggie was my first introduction to your writing and she IS my favorite. I’m looking forward to Ante Up. Plot guesses for me: that Aggie will have a baby or two and the kids will get into some mischief (and that maybe one or two won’t be keen on the idea of Aggie having another baby). I’m looking forward to the release!

    Reply
  11. Elizabeth says

    March 3, 2016 at 3:09 am

    I love this note at your link about Ante Up: Coming 2014/2015!
    I love even more that it’s almost here now! 😉

    Plot lines?
    ~ Home birth, planned or accidental
    ~ Child(ren) present at the birth
    ~ Willow present at the birth
    ~ Luke is the only one present at the birth

    <3 I love your titles in this series! <3

    Reply

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Episode 263: A Chat about The Love Script w/ Toni Shiloh
byChautona Havig

I had another lovely conversation with Toni Shiloh last month. Her latest book, The Love Script released and boy does it promise to be another #BookTouchdown!  Listen in to what you’ll find in this Love in the Spotlight series and especially in The Love Script.

Note: links may be affiliate links that provide me with a small commission at no extra expense to you.

How Many Lies Does It Take to Expose the Truth That Love Brings?

Authors tell me over and over that they experience the same things I do when I’m writing. You start helping your characters work through their problems, and as you do, the Lord starts exposing your own.  He helps you understand where you need growth and helps pull weeds that try to choke out that growth.

The Love Script has a great twist of someone trying to use a lie to smooth over the gossipy ripples of false reporting (genius way to handle it, eh?) and oh the fall out.

Toni promises we’ll see some great wisdom from Lamont’s mother and some deep truths that Neveah discovers.

The Love Truth by Toni Shiloh

A Hollywood hair stylist.

Nevaeh Richards loves making those in the spotlight shine but prefers the anonymity of staying behind her stylist chair, where no one notices her. But when a photo of Nevaeh and Hollywood A-lister Lamont Booker goes viral for all the wrong reasons, her quiet life becomes the number-one trending topic.

The silver screen’s latest heartthrob.

Lamont Booker’s bold faith has gained him a platform, and the authenticity of his faith is well known . . . until the tabloids cause the world to question everything he claims to be. With his reputation on the line, he finds himself hearing out his agent’s push for a fake relationship–something he never thought he’d consider in a million years.

A love that goes off script.

With their careers at risk, Nevaeh and Lamont have to convince the world that their scripted romance is more than just an act. But when fake seems to turn into something real, can Nevaeh trust her heart in a world where nothing is ever as it seems?

You can find out more about Toni on her WEBSITE.  Follow her on GoodReads and BookBub.

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