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Chautona Havig

Chautona Havig

Using story to connect YOU to the Master Storyteller

She Doesn’t Have to Settle: A look at relationships

by Chautona Havig · 8 Comments

I read a Facebook post the other day.  In a group of people discussing planning methods, she spoke up. The post went something like this (going on memory but not trying to remember details to provide some semblance of privacy):

I had a fight with my boyfriend. It was ugly, and he almost hit me. So, I walked out of our apartment and drove home to my  mom, but she is so unsupportive.  And I don’t know what to do about my boyfriend. If I go back, it’s just going to get worse.  Then again, I have nowhere else to go. My parents aren’t supportive, I don’t have any other friends. If I just leave, I have to do life on my own. I don’t want to get trapped in it all, but I’m kind of already there, huh?

It broke my heart.  Why?  Because I saw every woman who has ever been trapped in a dangerous marriage and where it could have begun. This young woman was trapped. She couldn’t stay.  He’s not safe.  She couldn’t stay with her mother–unwanted.  Friends: she has none.  Note that.  She has no friends!

Look, I don’t know why she doesn’t have friends.  I don’t know if she’s highly unlikable or if he’s distanced her from them or what. It’s impossible to say. But the truth remains. This young woman is alone, in a bad situation, and needs friends who can help her.

You Don't Have to Settle

She needs an out—a safe place.

My first thought was, “She needs the church.”  Again, I don’t know who is and isn’t in her life.  I have no clue if she has ever gone to church or if she goes every Sunday—somewhere. Regardless, that was my first thought.

But you know, other Facebook and message board posts over the years flooded my mind as I thought about it.  I remembered the women who were so involved in their churches, helping and often running programs, but alone. The other women go out to coffee after dinner.  She’s not invited. There’s a ladies’ retreat and she can’t afford it.  The church can’t help cover her costs because their scholarship fund is only for outreach to those who aren’t a part of the church. Left out again.

I remembered women, in the church, who were in marriages and relationships that were no different than this young woman’s.

How is that even possible?

[clickToTweet tweet=”Do people avoid churches because they know there should be a difference & there isn’t? http://bit.ly/corner99″ quote=”Do people avoid the church because they feel like there should be a difference and can see that there isn’t?”]

C’mon.  How many of us really involve ourselves with the unlovely?  Like Miss Alice in the book, Christy, how many of us have a “bundle” from the Lord whom we serve with love, grace, and selflessness?  How many of us do this in such a way that this woman feels wanted and included instead of a project or, Lord forgive us, a bundle/burden?

Is there a better way?

So often I see these stories and they break my heart.  I want to shout at the young women, “You don’t have to settle.”  Why would anyone settle for a horror story instead of waiting for a love story?  Why would anyone trade the ultimate love story for a cheap, damaging, worthless imitation?

I suppose this is why, despite my personal discomfort with it, I add romance into my books.  It’s a natural part of life—something people crave.  We want to be loved—were designed to experience love. My heart cries out to the young women out there.  You don’t have to settle for a cheap, painful imitation!

But I see it in their eyes and their lonely faces. Warped “love” is better than total rejection.  It’s a lie, but that deceiver is so good at what he does—so good.  They believe it. In fact, I am convinced that what these young women need more than almost anything in this world, obviously aside from Jesus, are examples of singles who are sold out to Jesus and truly content and happy where they are.

Can’t we debunk the lie that says you can’t be happy without a guy?

Look, I know it’s easy for me to say. I’ve been married to the coolest guy for almost twenty-eight years. I got married at eighteen.  I don’t know what single life is like.

Maybe not.  But I don’t think it’s any less true that settling for physical and verbal abuse because it’s what is available isn’t the answer.  Please… please! It’s just trading one heartache for another.  It isn’t worth it.

And there is a richness and a beauty in being so content with your relationship with the Lord—with that being enough—that choosing to let in a guy is just that.  A choice rather than an assumption.

Still, I think more of these young women wouldn’t settle if…

More of the rest of us invested in the lives of Christian and non-Christian single women alike.  Perhaps if we made an effort to be a safe place, a good sounding board, and a way out, fewer of these hurting women would feel trapped even before they said, “I do.”

Corner BoothIt all starts with someone saying, “It’s not true.  You’re worthy.  The Lord made you—died for you. You are precious to Him. Don’t settle for what will only bring you more pain than the loneliness you feel now.”  It starts with us.

That’s what I attempted to show in Corner Booth.

I wanted to show that someone listening, praying, and being there can make a difference.  The idea was to show that there’s more to being a brother or sister in Christ than smiles on Sunday mornings and prayers in an emergency. Many of our brothers and sisters in Christ don’t worship with us in the building we call the church. Many of them we heartily disagree with on key points of theology.

But as the body of Christ, we can use our hands to shove one another away or we can use them to serve and let the Lord sort out where we’re right and wrong.  Dean did that.  He was concerned about what she was learning, yes.  We should be.  But he also learned to invest himself in her and in others because of her.  And that’s a pretty cool thing, too.

I want to be like Dean, which is kind of funny because Christy and I once figured out once that in many ways, I’m most like him.  I’m just not here yet, I suppose.

Note: links in this post may be affiliate links and I may receive a small commission at no extra expense to you.

Corner Booth image quote

Question for ya.

So, what else can we do to help make a difference in this area? How can we reduce the ugliness masquerading as “love.”

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Comments

  1. Jackie says

    September 20, 2016 at 1:56 pm

    That’s a tough question and even tougher to answer….IF…I hadn’t lived it and saw the dangers of being alone and the benefits of having others in your life to support and encourage you. It really requires us to come outside of our own bubbles and be willing to look around the world and see the hurting in our paths and who it is God would have us reach out to and befriend. We ALL NEED a friend, whether we want to admit that or not, WE DO! Some desperately, like this woman in the Facebook post. All she needs is one person to be willing to step into her path and show her there is a better way than to settle for dangerous love vs no love. Our hearts cry out for the Love of our Heavenly Father, for our Bridegroom, but all too often we don’t want to get involved in someone else’s messies, as I like to call them. Thankfully I’m learning how much beauty comes from those messies as I get my hands in there and love, support and encourage those that come across my path! I think I’m more blessed than they are!! (said with tear filled eyes).

    Reply
  2. Colleen says

    September 19, 2016 at 2:30 pm

    I love my church and am very supported, have many friends through my church and my full-time work at a non-profit, as well as a supportive family. I am usually incredibly content and I love my life. I really do want to be married, but I see how God has directed my life in such a way as that hasn’t even come close yet and I’m in my 30’s.

    But there are still times when I find the church or the Christian world really annoying. For example, switching from the phrase single to “not-yet-married” assumes everyone will get married even though I know that’s not the case. Also, it is often taught that being married or having kids is the only way to become truly holy and refine your character–like there are no challenges or growth that come with switching up your roommates every few years. And my other pet peeve is similar, that your life will only truly portray the gospel through marriage because it’s a picture of Christ and the church. Also, malarky. My celibate singleness portrays the gospel of God’s jealous love for us. All this is to say that while I have an “out” and lots of safe people, I still feel the pressure to settle for whoever might be interested.

    So, invite single people to things. Don’t only have mommy play dates. Don’t only hold functions at times when working people can’t come (my church does really well at this and I’m thankful!). Don’t imply that singles can’t grow spiritually without marriage.

    I’ll step off my soap box now. Thanks for asking the question!

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      September 19, 2016 at 4:37 pm

      I’ve not heard the “not-yet-married” and man, that annoys me! I mean, it just screams, “Not up to snuff…. YET.” I’m sure no one means it that way, but still…

      Reply
      • Colleen says

        September 20, 2016 at 7:22 am

        Haha, yes! =) It’s been showing up with increasing frequency.

        Reply
  3. Rebekah says

    September 19, 2016 at 5:03 am

    The church we used to be members of was awesome at the realness. They made sure the college and career class was about doctrine and how to live your faith. Nothing about future spouses, or spouses at all even though some of us were married. The ladies were also really good at trying to include everyone. It is a little harder at our new church since the ladies are all homeschooling farm moms. We try, but they are so busy.

    Reply
  4. Jenny says

    September 19, 2016 at 3:29 am

    I have been in church (highly involved for years), and feel a little like the woman you mentioned here. I have not found love yet, but also don’t feel support from the church anyways except for the “smiles on Sunday.” No matter what church I have been to it is all pretty much the same. There are outreach for teens so they can meet other teens and people in the church. But once you reach 20 the focus of the outreach (if there even is one) is more towards finding a future spouse rather than finding support systems in the church. I am in my 30s and still single, and feel alone. The women’s get togethers center around raising children or loving your husband. One church had a “college and career” class that was pretty much a “pre-married” class. We weren’t taught how to find our own faith now that we were adults out of our parents homes. Rather it was the same as the other classes- how to love your “future” spouse” because that’s what we are supposed to do. It leaves a single person feeling desperate to find “someone” because then they can fit in. Or it makes them feel even more estranged from the support of the body of Christ. Sorry for the rant, but I can so relate to Cassie. Pressure that if you can find anyone then you are not a complete loser. And not just in the eyes of the world. I feel it’s working it’s way even more into the eyes of the church.

    Reply
    • Chautona Havig says

      September 19, 2016 at 4:19 am

      Argh! This is exactly what I’ve heard for years, and I can’t help but wonder where, say, the Apostle Paul would have fit in our modern churches.

      Reply
      • Cathe says

        September 19, 2016 at 8:02 am

        Yes, the post-high school age group does tend to get neglected, and I think it’s partly because so many of that age group go away to college. In our small town church, we had almost no one in that age bracket. My sons, who went to community college locally, were the only ones left. They could be included in the older people’s activities, and they were, but they would have liked to be with people of similar ages and interests. Sometimes just absorbing them into other groups doesn’t work. For a while, they drove to another town to hang out and make friends with people their own age – people who liked to play volleyball, go to concerts, play silly indoors games, watch movies, etc. It was solid doctrine ministry and encouragement, not necessarily related to their future as husbands/wives/parents, but engaging with other young single people.

        Reply

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Episode 438: A Chat with Margaret Philbrick
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 Oh, wow.  When I read the synopsis for House of Honor by Margaret Ann Philbrick, I knew this was going to be a fabulous book.  Forget all the endorsements and starred reviews, listen in to hear just how awesome this book is!  

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When Margaret described the story within House of Honor, I not only learned a lot of art history, but I got a taste of Italy (sadly, without pasta and gelato… sniff). I can’t wait to see what she coes up with next.

 House of Honor by Margaret Ann Philbrick

Two Italian sons, one woman, linked by a masterpiece painting, are put to a test of loyalty and honor.

At the heart of this gripping tale is Orazio Bordoni, the wayward son of a construction magnate, living a reckless life like that of his artistic hero Caravaggio. He finds himself befriended by Nicolo Giotto, the devoted son of a powerful Sicilian mafia clan, who wants to uphold the honor of his family.

As the dark underbelly of the art world and the Vatican expose their true character, Orazio finds himself in a world where his loyalty is tested, honor is at stake, and the boundaries between life, love, and art blur. He and Nicolo discover just how far they’re willing to push those boundaries, even if it means sacrificing everything.

House of Honor is a pivotal story that weaves the threads of history, the ruthless allure of the mafia, the enigmatic power of the Vatican, and the timeless brilliance of Caravaggio.

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